I’ve been saying that a lot lately. Mostly to myself but once in a while to other people who check in. I’m okay. And really, lots of times I’m way better than okay. I’ve had so many beautiful moments with my family this summer. It’s been so fun to be rediscovering summer through the eyes of my kids. Not only do I have an abundance of time with them, I can afford to delve into their world in ways I always hesitated to do before. I’ve been so worried about spreading my sadness or badness or brokenness that I haven’t been as flexible or as fun or just as silly as I can be now. Everything inside me had to be so carefully controlled, especially during the unpacking process, that I couldn’t afford child-like carefree fun. The cost was too high, the risks too great. But this summer I’ve been marvelling at the endless stream of bubbles we’ve been blowing on the front porch, I’ve had so much fun playing hide and go seek tag in the park, and I’ve managed to remember a whole slew of pool games we used to play as kids because now my kids are swimmers.
The best part of this is that I’ve been sharing it every step of the way with G. He’s helped me join in with the kids’ fun, teasing me when I take it all too seriously. But he’s also there to chat with as the kids run on ahead to reach the park or the lake or the beach or where ever it is we are going. Our world together has been gentle and fun and slow. All good things. And we’ve started planning our future summers – when should we travel across the country, when should we canoe camp, when will we build the treehouse. Because we have such a lush amount of time we can afford to dream and dream again and dream again.
This is all very good.
But there are some hidden valleys. There are places that still require a little extra grace. All the family and couple time realistically leaves almost no time for me as an individual. There are no train rides into town, or lunch breaks, or meandering email conversations. I most often don’t have my phone with me these days. I have to choose carefully what I will do with the little alone time I manage to squeeze out of Family Summer Fun 2012. And that is hard. I miss the space to just check in with my head and heart. I miss the time I had to write. I miss the connections that came with those activities. Having that space meant I could manage my world so that when trouble came I would be able to say – this morning you can write but you do have to work in the afternoon. It was a luxury I didn’t fully appreciate.
Because now there are some troubles. There are places that need my attention but with all the lovely, happy, joyful, Family Summer Fun, I just can’t figure out how to process them. There are these dreams that wreck me night after night. Not the horrid awful ones of flashbacks and locked closets. But ones of such exquisite beauty and love my heart can’t seem to hold them. Because they are myths. Because a heart that can’t live in real life is living out her dreams and desires in my dreams. Night after night after night. And I can’t talk about them because….just because it’s not right.
And during the day there are other valleys – my relationship with my mom, struggling to make some tough career choices and finding it infinitely hard to figure out where my ego fits into it all, all the endless housework (it’s such a totally unhappy activity for me that I’m including it in this section!) Not to mention that I’m supposed to be so much better and more put together and getting all sewn up that I can’t figure out how or when to ask for help. And that help, in any case, is not nearly as accessible for a whole universe of other reasons.
I’m getting better and stronger and more whole. Isn’t it right that I should have to deal with the real world on my own now?
So that’s why I’ve been saying and I’ll continue to say I’m okay. Because I am. And I will be. Valleys or Mountaintops.
kuzinc 